Instant Crits!

Frame from Daniel Clowe's "Art School Confidential" comic

The Instant Critique Phrase Generator (found via C-Monster) can give you the input and vocabulary you've been looking for! All the art-speak jargon a person could ever want! No more sitting around in a quiet room postulating artists intentions to smooth jazz or hipster background noise (ala Sigur Ros) - just type in a few numbers and bingo! - great phrases like this:

"I'm surprised that no one's mentioned yet that the metaphorical resonance of the facture visually and conceptually activates a participation in the critical dialogue of the 90s. "

or

"I find this work menacing/playful because of the way the reductive quality of the Egyptian motifs notates the exploration of montage elements. "

or

"It's difficult to enter into this work because of how the mechanical mark-making of the figurative-narrative line-space matrix spatially undermines the substructure of critical thinking."

see also::

Impenetrable Prose from the Whitney Biennial

and

Artists Forced to Explain Modern Art, Critics Complain